Setting Limits and Establishing Boundaries

Outside of you are all of the needs and demands of all the people around you. Inside of you are your own needs, demands and desires. It’s important to notice and appreciate the difference between what is important to you and what is important to others. Being able to set limits establishes that boundary.

The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us.

A first step is starting to know that we have a right to establish boundaries. You also have a right and a duty to take responsibility for you. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is necessary.

Here are some suggestions for setting limits. First, take your time. Delay your response until you know what you are able to do, check you calender, check with your spouse or significant other. Secondly, don’t over apologize, you have the right to set limits or saying no. Sometimes over apologizing invites the other person to put more pressure on you to change your mind. Next, don’t put yourself down, saying "I won’t" is better than "I can’t." The other person will try to convince you that you can. Also, be specific, state exactly what you are and are not willing to do. Be aware of your voice and body language, stand or sit comfortably, look the other person in the eye and speak with confidence. Finally, beware of guilt. Sometimes when we say no, we feel guilty and we might be willing to offer something else.

So, set boundaries and take care of your needs. Focus on what is important to you, and then you can be clear with yourself and with others.

Blessings,
Carol

2007 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.