What are some things that influence our communication style? One of the most important influences is our cultural background. I remember one time when I was visiting a friend from high school and when we walked into her house there were loud voices coming from the back of the house. I said to my friend, "Should we leave?" She looked at me puzzled and said, "Why?" I replied, "Because it sounds like your parents are having a fight." Her response surprised me, she said, "Oh, they’re not fighting, they are just talking." The tone of their voices definitely sounded like an argument. My friend is Italian and I still know her parents today and they still talk to each other in that same way.
Other cultural differences include, various signs of disrespect. In Asian cultures it is believed that looking someone in the eye is a form of disrespect. In Polynesian culture feet pointed directly at a person is a sign of disrespect. In Muslim countries pointing the bottom of your shoe at a person is a sign of disrespect.
Another influence of our communication style is who we are with at the time. We communicate differently with our friends then we do when we are meeting with our boss or when we are talking to our doctor. Our emotions at the time may also influence our communication style.
It is said that 90 percent of all communication is done nonverbally; words comprise of only 10 percent, sounds 30 percent and body language 60 percent. Learning about body language is valuable to interpret unspoken communication. In American culture eye contact is the single most important clue to a person's attitude. Looking someone in the eye conveys power, security, respect and thoughtfulness.
A smile, when used judiciously can also be a powerful tool. Of course there are negative uses of a smile such as a smirk or the Cheshire cat smile.
Hand gestures can be important if not too sweeping. If someone is waving their hands wildly, it can be interpreted as a lack of confidence in what they are saying.
Sitting-position also gives clues to how we are doing. Sitting squarely in your chair, feet on the floor, arms on the arm rest, will make you look as though you belong exactly where you are. Our posture also reveals what may be going on with us. Slouching or hunching is a warning signal. It’s a manifestation of tension and discomfort. Poor posture can signal indifference.
Our walking style reveals a great deal about us as well. When a person walks with confidence, they are seen as confident. Compare walking with confidence to strutting or walking hunched over, looking down and walking slowly. We usually interpret each of those styles differently.
Our facial expressions like rolling our eyes, knitting our brows, pursing our lips all say something about our attitude. So, being aware of our body language is important. We reveal so much more with how we hold ourselves, than what we say. Keeping that in mind will be helpful to you as you go about your life.
Blessings,
Carol
2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Encouragement
Encouragement means to give courage, hope or confidence. It is the process whereby a person focuses on the other person’s resources in order to build that person's, self esteem, self confidence or feelings of worth. Encouragers approach people expecting the best and therefore usually get the best. Encouragement helps people believe in their abilities and increases their confidence.
Think for a moment when you were a child and you accomplished a certain goal, remember the feelings of satisfaction? Who was the first person you wanted to tell about your success? Why did you choose that person? Think of a time you had a problem and needed to talk to someone? Who was that person? Why did you choose that them? Chances are that person was an encourager to you.
Let’s talk about factors that block encouragement. Our own lack of self-confidence is one thing, pessimism which limits our ability to increase our sense of strength and worth, our own background and upbringing are other factors that block encouragement. Other things include our values, jealousy of others, fear and our own inconsistences.
There is a difference between encouragement and praise. Both focus on positive behavior. Praise is a reward based on achievement. It is external. It can be a method of control to get others to do your will.
Encouragement on the other hand focuses on effort, improvement and the individual's resources and assets, it looks for and accentuates the positive.
Sometimes we need to be our own encourager. It’s important to validate and to care for ourselves. Stay away from negative self talk and try to be more self accepting. It’s important to learn to forgive yourself.
There are two major ways in which we establish worth and value. Feedback we receive from others comes from praise, recognition, salary or income, house, car, status, religiosity. These are temporal if we lose those things we may begin to feel a lack of self worth.
We do not need to set competitive standards or comparisons to others. If we are functioning in a way we are satisfied with, comparisons become irrelevant. We are able to focus on our own efforts, contributions and assets and we, as a result have a wider perspective on life.
Be an encourager and find those who need encouragement. You will feel better about yourself if you do and other will feel good about themselves.
1 Thess 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing
2 Tim 4:2 Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage with great patience and careful instruction
Heb 3:13 But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness
Blessing,
Carol
2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.
Think for a moment when you were a child and you accomplished a certain goal, remember the feelings of satisfaction? Who was the first person you wanted to tell about your success? Why did you choose that person? Think of a time you had a problem and needed to talk to someone? Who was that person? Why did you choose that them? Chances are that person was an encourager to you.
Let’s talk about factors that block encouragement. Our own lack of self-confidence is one thing, pessimism which limits our ability to increase our sense of strength and worth, our own background and upbringing are other factors that block encouragement. Other things include our values, jealousy of others, fear and our own inconsistences.
There is a difference between encouragement and praise. Both focus on positive behavior. Praise is a reward based on achievement. It is external. It can be a method of control to get others to do your will.
Encouragement on the other hand focuses on effort, improvement and the individual's resources and assets, it looks for and accentuates the positive.
Sometimes we need to be our own encourager. It’s important to validate and to care for ourselves. Stay away from negative self talk and try to be more self accepting. It’s important to learn to forgive yourself.
There are two major ways in which we establish worth and value. Feedback we receive from others comes from praise, recognition, salary or income, house, car, status, religiosity. These are temporal if we lose those things we may begin to feel a lack of self worth.
We do not need to set competitive standards or comparisons to others. If we are functioning in a way we are satisfied with, comparisons become irrelevant. We are able to focus on our own efforts, contributions and assets and we, as a result have a wider perspective on life.
Be an encourager and find those who need encouragement. You will feel better about yourself if you do and other will feel good about themselves.
1 Thess 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing
2 Tim 4:2 Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage with great patience and careful instruction
Heb 3:13 But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness
Blessing,
Carol
2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
The Emotion of Anger
Anger is one of the most common emotions we face and it is also the most misunderstood emotion. You see, feeling anger is okay. There are good reasons to feel angry, injustice, a setback, a tragedy. The problem most of the time is our response to anger. When you react to more and more situations with anger, it becomes a habit. Anger is like a wounded animal, it attacks anything that moves, however, the attacks do nothing to ease the pain.
Anger depersonalizes individual and events into a faceless, nameless, "them." People who are chronically angry see a personal attack in every disagreement. The person feels threatened when there is no threat and it causes the person to counter attack even a minor threat.
Angry people feel like they are always under attack and that everyone is out to get them and nobody understands them. Anger is energy. It can be used constructively or destructively. The Civil Rights Movement and Apartheid are examples of the use of anger constructively. Destructive uses of anger include things like destroying property, harming other people, setting up circumstances where others respond by feeling bad and wrong.
If you were to look up anger in the dictionary you would find these words, wrath, to distress, vex, hurt, enrage, to irritate or inflame, hostile feelings because of opposition and frustration. For rage we would find, violent anger, fury, extreme violence, intensity.
It is important for us to get a handle on our anger. We need to be in control of anger, not the reverse. If you want to learn more about your anger, consider signing up for an anger management program. To find out about the topics we cover in our program, click on http://caroladeel.com/rant.html.
Blessings,
Carol
2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.
Anger depersonalizes individual and events into a faceless, nameless, "them." People who are chronically angry see a personal attack in every disagreement. The person feels threatened when there is no threat and it causes the person to counter attack even a minor threat.
Angry people feel like they are always under attack and that everyone is out to get them and nobody understands them. Anger is energy. It can be used constructively or destructively. The Civil Rights Movement and Apartheid are examples of the use of anger constructively. Destructive uses of anger include things like destroying property, harming other people, setting up circumstances where others respond by feeling bad and wrong.
If you were to look up anger in the dictionary you would find these words, wrath, to distress, vex, hurt, enrage, to irritate or inflame, hostile feelings because of opposition and frustration. For rage we would find, violent anger, fury, extreme violence, intensity.
It is important for us to get a handle on our anger. We need to be in control of anger, not the reverse. If you want to learn more about your anger, consider signing up for an anger management program. To find out about the topics we cover in our program, click on http://caroladeel.com/rant.html.
Blessings,
Carol
2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.
Forgiveness the 490 Principle
Forgiveness is a very important principle for all of us. Many times we feel that we are justified in our unforgiveness. However, unforgiveness is about us, we are the ones that are holding the unforgiveness.
When Peter came to Jesus and asked Him how many times he should forgive his brother, and Peter offered "7 times?"
Jesus said to Peter, "No, not 7 times, but 70 times 7 times.I believe that Jesus was reminding Peter that short of brain damage, we are not going to forget something. Jesus was talking about the process of forgiveness. The way I encourge people to deal with unforgiveness is to remember this short saying: "The moment you relive, is the the one you forgive."
So, this is the process of forgiveness: As you remember a wrong done to you, stop and say, "Lord I forgive _______ for the wrong that they did to me, I choose to forgive them." Now, that is forgiveness number 1. Let's say that 10 minutes later you hear a song on the radio or read something in a magazine and it reminds you of the person who 10 minutes ago you forgave. Well let's say that your upset/hurt/anger is back again. This is your next opportunity to forgive. You would repeat the pray, "Lord I forgive ______ for the wrong that they did to me, I choose to forgive them."
You would repeat that process every time the memory returned. Eventually, you will begin to notice that you are praying the prayer less and less until one day you realize that you have not thought of that wrong done to you in days or even weeks. Try this simple way of approaching forgiveness. I am sure that you will find healing in this process.
Blessings to you!
Carol
2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.
When Peter came to Jesus and asked Him how many times he should forgive his brother, and Peter offered "7 times?"
Jesus said to Peter, "No, not 7 times, but 70 times 7 times.I believe that Jesus was reminding Peter that short of brain damage, we are not going to forget something. Jesus was talking about the process of forgiveness. The way I encourge people to deal with unforgiveness is to remember this short saying: "The moment you relive, is the the one you forgive."
So, this is the process of forgiveness: As you remember a wrong done to you, stop and say, "Lord I forgive _______ for the wrong that they did to me, I choose to forgive them." Now, that is forgiveness number 1. Let's say that 10 minutes later you hear a song on the radio or read something in a magazine and it reminds you of the person who 10 minutes ago you forgave. Well let's say that your upset/hurt/anger is back again. This is your next opportunity to forgive. You would repeat the pray, "Lord I forgive ______ for the wrong that they did to me, I choose to forgive them."
You would repeat that process every time the memory returned. Eventually, you will begin to notice that you are praying the prayer less and less until one day you realize that you have not thought of that wrong done to you in days or even weeks. Try this simple way of approaching forgiveness. I am sure that you will find healing in this process.
Blessings to you!
Carol
2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.
Blogging
According to Wikipedia, the term "blog" is a contraction of "Web log." "Blog" can also be used as a verb, meaning to maintain or add content to a blog.
So, here I am blogging to you, my readers. I hope all is well for you and that you are experiencing joy like a fountain.
I will post information here that may be of interest to you, feel free to drop me a line. Let me know what you think about what is being said and not said.
You can check out my website at http://caroladeel.com. You will find information about my therapy practice. You will also find out about the e-book I have written called the Safety Club. Check back periodically and see what's up.
Blessings,
Carol
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