The Gift of Listening

If you could be convicted of a felony for stealing conversations, how many of us would be behind bars? What if we took 100% responsibility of every conversation we have.

What is so difficult about listening-what gets in your way? Your emotions, your word choice and your past experiences all affect how you send and receive messages. That is why one message can have different meanings for each person.

Empathy doesn’t mean feel sorry for the person. It means try to understand what they are feeling. It is important to acknowledge feelings, set your personal judgement aside, respect the person’s perspective.

There are two kinds of listening, active listening which involves being present in the conversation and nod your head or smile or make sounds such an hmmmm or ahhhh, or the like. As you are able to listen to a person, you will communicate a care for them. That closeness will then open the door to allow you to hear each other and to understand each other’s feelings.

The second kind or listening is reflective listening. This kind of listening reflect what the other person shared in a way that lets the other know what you understand. Hearing each other is the key to effective communication. St. Francis of Assisi prayed that he might seek to understand rather than to be understood. If two people are trying to be understood, there is no one left to try to understand.

Encouragement is best received after the person has felt heard. When a person has a negative emotion we try to deny their feelings, we try to encourage them too soon. If encouragement is given too early the person resists what you say. I like the saying that Kairos Outside a Christian ministry says about listening, they say Listen, Listen, Love, Love. Let all try to do just that.

2007 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Assessing Your Anger Before You Act on It

We all become angry, it is a part of our emotional package. I believe that it is important to ask yourself four (4) questions as you assess your anger before you act on it.

The questions are quite simple. Number one (1): Is it important? Ask yourself if this were the last day of my life would it still matter enough for me to get angry about this.

Number two (2): Is it appropriate? Think about how you would describe this situation to a friend, would they respond in the same way you are about to respond?

Question number three (3): Is it modifiable? Bad weather, slow traffic or power failures, may be aggravating, but, they are beyond your control.

The final question: Is it worth it? Will getting this angry serve you in some way? In the big scheme of things will you be better off getting this angry?

When change seems possible, come up with a specific, reasonable request to bring it about. If your anger is warrented and worthwhile, switch to a problem solving mode and come up with a plan to change the situation. Anger is not the problem, it is how you respond to the anger. You are always responsible for your response. So, slow down your reply and make an action plan for the next time you get angry, be ready with an appropriate response.

Blessings,

Carol

2007 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.