Personal Space

We all have a distance that we feel comfortable with when talking to other people. We usually have a buffer zone around our bodies that we do not allow others to come into without a loud warning bell going off in our heads. We will usually move away to increase the distance between us. We generally not do this with family members and other loved ones. Closeness lends a sense of intimacy that may be too uncomfortable. Americans usually need more space than other cultures.

This buffer are is called personal space, also know as proxemics which was defined by the anthropologist Edward T. Hall. He tells us the categories of distances with which many Americans feel comfortable:

• 6-18 inches, close space, considered an intimate distance, reserved for significant others
• 1 1/2 to 2 1/2 feet, personal space, appropriate for close conversation with good friends
• 3 to 7 feet, close social distance, this is the zone you're most likely to find yourself in while talking with a coworker or boss
• 12 to 25 feet, close public distance, a good distance for speaking in front of a group

So, if you are talking to someone and you notice them slowly back up, understand that it is their way of widening the buffer between the two of you. It will be important to not try to close the gap. It is also important to avoid physical contact with a person you do not have a relationship with. An exception is a handshake when we meet another person. However the handshake should be brief.

Blessing,
Carol

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Dealing With the Categories of Difficult People

In our last post we discussed the different categories of Difficult People. Today we will discuss how to deal with people in each category. This information is based on R.M. Bramson's work in his book entitled, Coping with Difficult People .

Exploders
Give them time to run down.
Break into their tantrum state.
Show your serious intention.
Interrupt the interaction.

Sherman Tanks
Give them time to run down.
Get into the conversation.
Get their attention.
Get them to sit down.
Speak your own point of view
Avoid a head on fight.
Be ready to be friendly.

Snipers
Surface the attack.
Provide them with an alternative to direct contest.
Get other points of view.
Deal with the problem.

Dealing with Complainers

Listen attentively.
Acknowledge what they're saying.
Don't agree with or apologize.
Avoid the accusation-defense-reaccusation pattern.
State and acknowledge facts.
Try to move to a problem-solving mode.
If all else fails, ask the Complainer: "How do you want this discussion to end?"

Dealing with the Unresponsive
Ask open ended questions.
Wait for a response.
Don't fill the space.
Comment on what's happening.
Help break the tension.
Set time limits.

Dealing with the Super-Agreeables
Make honesty non-threatening.
Be personable when you can.
Don't let them make unrealistic commitments.
Be prepared to compromise and negotiate.
Listen to their humor.

Dealing with the Negativists
State your own realistic optimism.
Don't argue.
Don't rush into proposing solutions.
Ask "So, what's the worst that could happen"?
Determine if there is any truth in the negative comments.
Be prepared to go it alone.

Dealing with Know-it-all Experts
Bulldozers
Know your stuff.
Listen and acknowledge.
Question firmly, don't confront.
Avoid being a counter expert.
Balloons
State the facts as an alternative version.
Give the balloon a way out.
Deal with them when they are alone.

Dealing with an Indecisive
Make it easy for them to be direct.
Pursue signs of indirection.
Consider that it might be you.
Help them to problem solve.
Rank order alternatives.
Give support after the decision has been made.
If possible, keep control.

References:
Advantage Media. (1983). Dealing with the irate customer [Film].
Anderson, K. (1993). Getting what you want. New York: Penguin.
Bramson, R.M. (1981). Coping with difficult people. New York: Dell.
Does your body language spell success? (March, 1990). Mademoiselle, pp. 220-223, 255-257.
Keating, C.J. (1984). Dealing with difficult people. Ramsey, N.J.: Paulist Press.

Blessings,
Carol

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Dealing With Difficult People

When thinking about difficult people it is easy to think in us and them terms...they are difficult, we are not. We are all difficult people at some time and it is important to acknowledge this right from the start. Less than 10% of people in the work place are in the difficult people category. These same people cause as much as 50% or more of the stress, lack of production and demotivation in the work place.

People are not necessarily born to be difficult people, they learn this through trial and error; when a technique works the tendency is for it to be continued. Difficult people use behavioral techniques or skills to control situations. Learning how to cope with difficulty is the key. We can not change the people or their behavior, we can only change our reaction to them.

There are seven types of difficult people according to Robert M. Bramson's Coping with Difficult People (1981, New York: Dell). The first is Hostile/Aggressive, Complainers, Unresponsive, Super-Agreeables, Negativists, Know-it-all-Experts, and Indecisives.

So, which one are you? We all have experienced one or more of these personalities. It’s important to know which category you fit into. If you know how you display your difficulty, you will have less of a tendency to repeat it.

In our next blog we will discuss how to deal with each of these categories of difficulty people. In the mean time, remind yourself that being a difficulty person is a disadvantage to you and those around you. You can make a different choice. I invite you to chose to be a person who does not display those traits.

Blessings,
Carol

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Six Steps to Effective Problem Solving

There are six steps to effective problem solving. The first step is to define the needs. State your need using I messages. Listen to other person’s needs using active listening techniques. Then identify the needs.

The second step is to generate ideas/solutions. Encourage the other person’s contributions. Then give your own solutions. Use brainstorming to generate a good list of solutions.

The third step is to evaluate the solutions. Decide if the solution suggestions are acceptable or not. Always be on the look-out for nonverbal cues.

Step four is to decide on mutually acceptable solution(s). It is always important to restate the needs and solutions decided upon.

Step five is to implement the solutions you decided on. Answering these questions is important: Who - What - When - Where - Where.

Step six is follow-up. Set a time to check how the solution is working. Be willing to adjust the solution or redefine needs if necessary.

The benefits of effective problem solving are numerous. Everyone will have more motivation and self discipline to honor and implement the solution. When people are given a voice in making a decision, they are more motivated to carry it out than if a decision is imposed on them.

Power plays no part in the effective problem solving. It calls for "What is the best solution?" as opposed to "Who has the most power?" The effective problem solving method honors each person's right to have freedom.

Remember the 20% -- 80% Philosophy. It states that we often spend 80% of our time and energy focusing on the 20% of any situation that seems negative to us. We then lose sight of the 80% that is positive. Stay focused on the full 100% and you will become an efficient problem solver.

Blessings,
Carol A. Deel

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Depression Continued

There is not a single description for Bi-Polar Disorder. For instance, the term Bi-Polar, Mixed Episode would indicate that the person was experiencing both Major Depression and Manic Episode(s).

A Manic Episode including at least 3 of these or 4 if there is irritabity:

• Inflated self esteem or grandiosity
• Decreased need for sleep
• pressure of speech
• Flight of ideas
• Distractability
• Increased involvement in goal directed activities
• Psychomotor agitation
• Excessive involvement in pleasurable activities with a high potential for painful consequences
  

Bi-Polar I would include one or more manic episodes, including abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive or irritable mood that has last at least a week. Bi-Polar II would include one or more Major Depressive Episodes. Cyclothymic Disorder would be defined as numerous periods with hypomanic symptoms and numerous periods with depressive symptoms.

Another category is Mood Disorder due to a General Medical Condition. The DSM-IV defines that as "Prominent and persistent disturbance in mood that is judged to be due to the direct physiological effects of a general medical condition."

Substance Induced Mood Disorder would be prominent and persistent disturbance in mood that is judged to be due to the direct psychological effects of a substance.

The following is not meant as medical advice, please use for information purposes only.

Drugs and psychotherapy together is considered more effective than either alone in the treatment of depression. There are different classes of medication. One class is called Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI). They have fewer side effects and are usually short lived. Examples of SSRI’s that seem popular are Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, and Celexa.

Another class of drugs are Tricyclic antidepressants, they have been used since the 1960's. Some examples of those are Tofranil and Elavil.
There are some natural herbs and naturally occurring chemicals that are used to treat depression. Some examples are Sam-e which is used for more severe depression, St. John’s Wart, used for milder forms of depression, Kava Kava, used for reducing anxiety, B-6 which is found in whole grains, nuts, fish and white meat.

Some people are opposed to the use of medication, believing that a person can be healed without the use of drugs. I believe that the Lord can use medication to assist a person’s healing. Medication can be seen as a bridge to help a person get from where they are to a different place mentally. People with mild depression do not have to be on medication their whole life.

Some people use exercise as a way to combat depression. Research has found that people who walk, run or strength train three times per week 20 to 60 minutes were significantly less depressed after five weeks. They found that if they continued the exercise the improvement lasted up to one year. Researchers say that exercise is a viable treatment option for mild to moderate depression, they believe that it has to do with activating the endorphins which are the bodies natural painkiller.

Another way to combat depression appears to be connected with having someone who shows interest in you. In a study in London they paired women with "befrienders." The befrienders were instructed to be confidants to the depressed women, meeting them regularly for chats over coffee or outings. Among the women who saw their volunteer friends regularly throughout the year; 72% experienced a remission in depression compared to the control group which is aout the same success rate as antidepressants or cognitive (talk therapy).

Some do’s and don’ts: Don’t isolate yourself, don’t make major life decisions when depressed, exercise at least three days a week, eat balanced meals and healthy food, don’t blame yourself for your depression, take your medication, set small goals for yourself, get information about depression, call your doctor.

Blessings,

Carol

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Depression

Dealing with Depression

Winston Churchill once described depression as a "black dog that comes around periodically, leaving a trail of gloom in its wake." He suffered from depression most of his life.

Depression is a disorder in areas of the brain that process thoughts and feelings. It is associated with a lack or imbalance of serotonin, a chemical found in the brain.

Depression is known as the common cold of mental illness. Understandable sadness due to death or separation is different than depression. Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is not a condition changed just because someone wishes it would go away. People with depression cannot "pull themselves up by their bootstraps" and get better. Without treatment, depression can last for weeks or in some cases, years.

There are different kinds of depression. One kind is called Major Depression. It is two times as common in adolescents and adult females as in adolescent and adult males. Depression can begin at any age, average age is the mid 20's. It is 1.5-3 times more common among first degree biological relatives than the general population.

The second kind of depression is called Dysthymic Disorder. It is described as chronically depressed mood that occurs for most of the day more days than not for at least two years. A person suffering from this will describe their mood as sad or down in the dumps. In children it can show up as irritability for a period of one year. At least 2 of the following symptoms will be evident:

• Depressed mood/feeling of sadness
• Loss of interest plus any 4 of the following
• Poor appetite or overeating - change in weight
• Restlessness or decreased activity
• Insomnia or hypersomnia
• Low energy or fatigue
• Low self esteem
• Poor concentration
• Difficulty making decisions
• Feeling of hopelessness
• Guilt/worthlessness
• Suicidal ideations
• Low/lack of interest

In my next edition, I will be talking about Bi-Polar Disorders and other kinds of depression. Additionally, I will be talking about ways to handle depression from medication to herbal remedies.

Blessing,
Carol A. Deel

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copywrite owner.

Self Esteem

The definition of Self Esteem is a three part process. The first is the way we see ourselves, such as attractive versus ugly; athletic versus klutzy; smart versus dumb; spiritual versus non-spiritual; emotionally sound versus depressed; in the right click/group versus being in the wrong click. The second part is the way we think others see us and the third is the way we think God sees us, such as in His will versus out of His will, in the right group versus not in the right group, obedient versus sinful.

So, is self esteem good or bad? The Bible says that you should esteem others above yourselves. Scriptures such as: Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard (esteem) one another as more important then himself (Philippians 2:3).

Is it important to like yourself? What does the Bible say about you?
• You are a child of a King (Rm.8:16)
• I am beloved of God, called to be a saint (Rm. 1:7)
• I have been make righteous through the obedience of Christ (Rm. 5:19)
• I am loved by Jesus (John 15:9)
• I belong to God (Jn. 17:9 & 1Jn 4:10, 19)
• I have the mind of Christ (I Cor. 2:16)
• I am loved by God (Eph. 2:4)
It is important to take care of yourself
• In Christ I have been make complete (Col 2:10)
• I have put on the new self (Col 3:10)
• I have been called to eternal life (ITim 6:12)

There are some hard results of having a low self esteem. Low self esteem paralyzes your potential. Low self esteem destroys your dreams. Low self esteem ruins your relationships. The nagging sense of inferiority and inadequacy isolates you. The most common way to cope with feelings of inferiority is to pull within yourself, to have little contact with others and to build walls around you.

Low self esteem also sabotages our Christian service. We refuse to do things because we are afraid of making mistakes or making a fool of ourselves. Low self esteem robs God of an opportunity to show off His power and ability through our weakness.

Let’s look at some Bible characters and their self esteem. Adam, before the fall definitely had self esteem, he walked and talked with God. But after the fall he was afraid (Gen 3:7).

Abraham, saw himself as a person of worth-even though he messed up at times. Like the time he said that Sarah was his sister because he was afraid (Gen 12:13, 20:2). Abraham was willing to offer his only son because God asked (Gen 22). Consider Moses, when God first called him to free the Israelites, he kept making excuses for not going (Ex.3-4). Four times he said "But Lord . . ." then the Lord's anger was kindled against him and He said " Is there not Aaron your brother...I know he can speak well"(Ex 4:14). After that, Moses pleaded the case of his fellow countrymen, even though they were weak he saw God face to face and talked with Him.

Jonah, God called him to go to Nineveh, but he rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the Lord. Then during the storm he was thrown into the sea and the "great fish" swallowed him up. He went to Tarshish and preached repentance and the city repented. He was displeased and was angry because God chose to save the city (Book of Jonah). He wanted to die, he asked God two times to take his life (Jonah 4:3 & 4:8). God gave him the true life story of the plant and the worm who ate it (Jonah 4:6-7). God's lesson was that Jonah did not work to have the vine grow and give him shade, it grew overnight and died overnight and he was concerned over it, but not Nineveh. God wanted to show Jonah that He cared about the people of Nineveh.

Peter was always ready to step out even if it was to stumble. At the Transfiguration he was the one who wanted to make booths for Moses, Elijah and Jesus (Matt 17:4). At the Last Supper when Jesus was washing the apostle’s feet, he said "Lord do you wash my feet?...You shall never wash my feet" Jesus told him "If I do not wash you, you have no part of me" Then Peter said "Lord not my feet only, but also my hands and my head" (Jn. 13:6-9). Peter walked on water (Matt 14:28-30). He was humbled after Jesus rose from the dead, they were on the beach. Jesus asked him "Peter do you love (agape) me" he answered "yes, I love (philos) you" two times then Jesus said "Do you love (philos) me" He was grieved because he asked him the third time do you love (philos) me (Jn. 21). He was victorious after he was baptized in the Holy Spirit, he preached a sermon which converted 3,000 people (Acts 2).

Paul, when he was Saul and persecuted the early Christians, he had a high sense of self. Then Jesus convicted him of sin on the road to Damascus (Acts 9:3-9). He began to realize that he could do nothing aside from Christ Jesus. He said, “It is not I but Christ who lives within me.” He can do all things through Christ who strengthen him (Ph. 4:13). God will supply all his needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus (Ph. 4:19).

Jesus, held others in esteem. He said "I am the resurrection and the life, he who believes in me, though he die yet shall he live and whoever lives and believes in me shall never die" (Jn. 11:25-6). My food and drink is to do the will of Him who sent me, and to accomplish His work (Jn. 4:34). I am the good shepherd; I know my own and my own know me (Jn. 10:14).
I am the way the truth and the life; no one comes to the Father but by me (Jn. 14:6). Take my yoke upon you and learn of me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light (Mt. 11:29-30).

Self esteem is not a bad thing unless it turns to pride. It is important for us to feel empowered in order to be of service to the Lord and His work.

Blessings,
Carol

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.