Effective Problem Solving

There are six steps to effective problem solving. The first step is to define the needs. State your need using I messages. Listen to other person’s needs using active listening techniques. Then identify the needs.

The second step is to generate ideas/solutions. Encourage the other person’s contributions. Then give your own solutions. Use brainstorming to generate a good list of solutions.

The third step is to evaluate the solutions. Decide if the solution suggestions are acceptable or not. Always be on the look-out for nonverbal cues.

Step four is to decide on mutually acceptable solution(s). It is always important to restate the needs and solutions decided upon.

Step five is to implement the solutions you decided on. Answering these questions is important: Who - What - When - Where - Where

Step six is follow-up. Set a time to check how the solution is working. Be willing to adjust the solution or redefine needs if necessary.

The benefits of effective problem solving are numerous. Everyone will have more motivation and self discipline to honor and implement the solution. When people are given a voice in making a decision, they are more motivated to carry it out than if a decision is imposed on them.

Power plays no part in the effective problem solving. It calls for "What is the best solution?" as opposed to "Who has the most power?" The effective problem solving method honors each person's right to have freedom.

Remember the 20% -- 80% Philosophy. It states that we often spend 80% of our time and energy focusing on the 20% of any situation that seems negative to us. We then lose sight of the 80% that is positive. Stay focused on the full 100% and you will become an efficient problem solver.

Blessings,
Carol A. Deel

2007 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Dealing Effectively With Criticism

Don’t mind criticism! If it is untrue, disregard it. If it is unfair, ignore it. If it is justified, learn from it. If it is mean spirited, decide if it is beneficial to be in relationship with this person.

It is important to understand that criticism is an inevitable part of life. No one can please everyone all of the time. Don’t take criticism personally. Constructive criticism is generally directed at situations and behaviors, rather than directly at the person.

If the person’s motives are honorable, take the criticism in the spirit in which it was offered. Think of it as feedback that will provide you with growth opportunities, learn from it and improve yourself. Try not to argue with the person who criticizes you. Such arguments rarely solve anything. Ask questions that will help clarify the situation.

Generally it is not a good idea to offer criticism unless it is absolutely essential. If a person asks for your opinion, take your time before answering. Rushed answers don’t always come out the way you want them to. Be honest. Use the sandwich theory of offering you opinion: Say something positive, Say the negative or non positive thing and then say something positive again.

Hearing criticism about ourselves is often times difficult. My encouragement to you is to think of criticism at a Personal Growth Workshop, you will definitely learn something from what is being said. When someone criticizes you, take a moment and reflect on the words spoken and the ones you will speak, then respond.

Blessings,
Carol

2007 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Building Positive Productive Relationships

One of the most important keys to opening the door to friendship is to keep lines of communication open. Be willing to be friendly, be open and warm, and don’t start every sentence with the word I. Mutual trust develops slowly. Don’t make the mistake of sharing everything the first time you meet someone, take your time, connect slowly. At some point you will choose to be vulnerable.

Another important aspect about friendship is helping the other person feel competent. Focus on their strong points, ask their advice, and be a sounding board. People love for you to focus on them, asking them questions. The give and take needs to feel balanced between two people.

I think another important thing in a relationship is to take mutual responsibility for your interactions. We probably have all been in a situation where we are the only person taking the initiative in the relationship, the only one calling or emailing. That can be frustrating, but not impossible to address. Instead of not calling the person at all, ask for a get together and discuss the fact that the relationship feels one sided. The person will be happy to comply, blow you off completely, give a reasonable excuse for their non participation or something in between. Either way, you will get some feedback.

Enjoy your friends and be the best friend you can be.

Blessing,

Carol

2007 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Setting Limits and Establishing Boundaries

Outside of you are all of the needs and demands of all the people around you. Inside of you are your own needs, demands and desires. It’s important to notice and appreciate the difference between what is important to you and what is important to others. Being able to set limits establishes that boundary.

The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us.

A first step is starting to know that we have a right to establish boundaries. You also have a right and a duty to take responsibility for you. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is necessary.

Here are some suggestions for setting limits. First, take your time. Delay your response until you know what you are able to do, check you calender, check with your spouse or significant other. Secondly, don’t over apologize, you have the right to set limits or saying no. Sometimes over apologizing invites the other person to put more pressure on you to change your mind. Next, don’t put yourself down, saying "I won’t" is better than "I can’t." The other person will try to convince you that you can. Also, be specific, state exactly what you are and are not willing to do. Be aware of your voice and body language, stand or sit comfortably, look the other person in the eye and speak with confidence. Finally, beware of guilt. Sometimes when we say no, we feel guilty and we might be willing to offer something else.

So, set boundaries and take care of your needs. Focus on what is important to you, and then you can be clear with yourself and with others.

Blessings,
Carol

2007 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Genealogical Research

One of the best ways to know about yourself and your family is to do some genealogical research. There are lots of programs that you can use to keep track of your family history. The best program that I have found to do this research is Family Tree Maker.

You start with yourself and your parents and siblings. Then as you gather more information you can add nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, great-grandparents, etc. As you gather information from people, it is important to ask specific questions.

It’s important to have full names, birth dates, place of birth, death date, place of death. If a person is married their marriage date and the same information for their spouse. It’s good to know if the person has/had a nick name and their occupation is important as well.

You could make up a form and send it to relatives and ask them to fill it in. You could arrange to meet the person and fill it out together. People are usually hesitant to fill out any information unless they know you. You may need to use an introduction from another family member. Whatever it takes, try to get this information before the information dies with the person.

Know more about family helps you learn more about yourself. A good website is Ancestry.com. They have lots of information. They give you some information and then they charge you money for additional information.

I hope you have success in your genealogical research and then learn more about where you came from and maybe even where you are going.

Blessing,

Carol

2007 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Time with Your Children

How much time do you spend with your children? In a national survey the numbers may surprise you, the survey indicates that parents will spend about two (2) hours a day with their child engaged in some level of conversation. Compare that to the four (4) hours they spend communicating with their friends. We know that these numbers change based on a number of factors. One is age; as a child gets older, they will spend even more time with their friends.

We hear that children are influenced by their friends. If we look at the the number of hours children spend with their parent, we can see why that might be so. What this means for us is that if we want to have influence over our children, we need to spend time with them.

According to the Office of National Drug Control Strategy, when strong ties are formed between children and their families, and between families and their children’s schools, children are least likely to develop drug problems.

to begin spending more time with your children, first determine for yourself what amount of time you want to spend with your child. This is an important part of the equation. Spending your time with your child out of a sense of drudgery will not yield a productive interchange.

Here are some ways you can spend more time with you children. Individual Time is very important to children. You could engage in activities like reading together, cooking, taking a walk, playing a board game, going to lunch, going to the playground or the park, as example.

Family Time is also important to a child’s development. Group activities include all of the same things for individual time. In addition you could play a game that involves more than two (2) players, eating a meal together or doing chores together.

The third kind of time is Community Time. This could include going to church as a family, working at a homeless shelter, collecting toys for a toy drive, attending community plays or concerts, attending siblings sporting events, to name a few.

So, pick a few activities and participate with your child. You and your child will definitely benefit from your time together.

Blessings
Carol

2007 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Goal Setting

There are two main reasons to set goals in counseling. The first is to give the client direction and the second is to help them make plans for change.

Goals need to be internalized so that the person believe that they can make a change inside themselves. If they can't believe it for themselves, as a counselor we can believe it for them. Goals also need to be externalized, that is making the change happen and continuing the change.

It is important to set up goals and time frames for treatment. Goals must be believable to the person themselves as well as the therapist. Goals also need to be achievable. It must be in their ability to do the task.

Goals may be done in session or at home. There are Long Term Goals and Short Term Goals. Long term goals are set to help the person see the results that are to be obtained. It is not important that these goals be completed while still in counseling they may be longer term than the sessions themselves.

Short term goals are the steps to accomplish the long term goals. They are action steps and are usually accomplished while in counseling.

You do not need to be in counseling to set goals for yourself. You can do them right there at your computer right now. Determine what you would like to change in yourself. Once you have a list of things, start with the first one. Ask yourself, "How would I like to be different in one (1) year concerning this issue. Then write down the steps that you will need to accomplish that issue.

Here is an example. Say you would like to exercise to get into better health. The long term goal would be: Get into better health with exercise. The short term goals would be the steps to help you reach that goal. Some examples of short term goals would be: 1) exercise at least one time this week for at least 20 minutes 2) next week I will exercise at least two time 3) within one month exercise at least four times a week. These are incremental goals that are achievable. If you started out with step 3 you might feel discouraged even before you got started.

Here is hoping that you will set out to make some changes in your life. Do not get discouraged, inch by inch anything is a cinch.

Blessings
Carol

2007 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

The Two Wolves

The sermon this morning reminded me of this story:

An old Cherokee Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice, "Let me tell you a story.

I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.

But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times." He continued, "It is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him, and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.

But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger,for his anger will change nothing.

Sometimes, it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."

The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather?"

The Grandfather smiled and quietly said, "The one I feed." The Two Wolves

Blessing,

Carol

2007 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

The Gift of Listening

If you could be convicted of a felony for stealing conversations, how many of us would be behind bars? What if we took 100% responsibility of every conversation we have.

What is so difficult about listening-what gets in your way? Your emotions, your word choice and your past experiences all affect how you send and receive messages. That is why one message can have different meanings for each person.

Empathy doesn’t mean feel sorry for the person. It means try to understand what they are feeling. It is important to acknowledge feelings, set your personal judgement aside, respect the person’s perspective.

There are two kinds of listening, active listening which involves being present in the conversation and nod your head or smile or make sounds such an hmmmm or ahhhh, or the like. As you are able to listen to a person, you will communicate a care for them. That closeness will then open the door to allow you to hear each other and to understand each other’s feelings.

The second kind or listening is reflective listening. This kind of listening reflect what the other person shared in a way that lets the other know what you understand. Hearing each other is the key to effective communication. St. Francis of Assisi prayed that he might seek to understand rather than to be understood. If two people are trying to be understood, there is no one left to try to understand.

Encouragement is best received after the person has felt heard. When a person has a negative emotion we try to deny their feelings, we try to encourage them too soon. If encouragement is given too early the person resists what you say. I like the saying that Kairos Outside a Christian ministry says about listening, they say Listen, Listen, Love, Love. Let all try to do just that.

2007 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Assessing Your Anger Before You Act on It

We all become angry, it is a part of our emotional package. I believe that it is important to ask yourself four (4) questions as you assess your anger before you act on it.

The questions are quite simple. Number one (1): Is it important? Ask yourself if this were the last day of my life would it still matter enough for me to get angry about this.

Number two (2): Is it appropriate? Think about how you would describe this situation to a friend, would they respond in the same way you are about to respond?

Question number three (3): Is it modifiable? Bad weather, slow traffic or power failures, may be aggravating, but, they are beyond your control.

The final question: Is it worth it? Will getting this angry serve you in some way? In the big scheme of things will you be better off getting this angry?

When change seems possible, come up with a specific, reasonable request to bring it about. If your anger is warrented and worthwhile, switch to a problem solving mode and come up with a plan to change the situation. Anger is not the problem, it is how you respond to the anger. You are always responsible for your response. So, slow down your reply and make an action plan for the next time you get angry, be ready with an appropriate response.

Blessings,

Carol

2007 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.