Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Physiological Precursors to Anger or Rage

Many of the of the posts I have done are on the topic of anger. I run an anger management program in Bel Air, Maryland and we have graduated about 125 people. One of the issues we discuss is how can you tell if we are on the verge of anger.

Something physical happens to alert you that you are on the verge of anger. Everyone has something that happens. Here are some examples:
  • Heart beats fast
  • Ears turn red
  • Tingling scalp
  • Band of tension around your head
  • Clenched jaw and holding teeth tight
  • Shaking
  • Clenched fists
  • Heightened sense of awareness
  • Blotchy skin
  • Butterflies or a knot in the pit of your stomach


If you can identify your early warning signal, you will be in a better place to handle your anger. First you need to identify your early warning signal, then when you notice it coming on, you can take a step back, regroup and handle the situation that presents itself. It acts as a warning sign, be wise and heed the warning.


You can do this, you will need to practice, but I believe that everyone can identify their early warning signal and then utilize it as a clarion call to prevent inappropriate responses to anger.


Blessings,
Carol

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Christmas

As we approach the birth of Jesus Christ, I am reminded of all of the people who are in my life that bless me. It is amazing as I count the friends and family members who bless me on a regular basis.

I wish for you to be surrounded by those who love you and those you love. I pray that as you prepare to meet with your family this holiday season that you are reminded of their love for you, no matter what it might look like on the outside.

The holidays have a tendency to challenge us in many ways. Maybe it is a relative or friend who drinks or drugs too much and is belligerent. Or maybe it is the person who is hyper critical and there isn't anything you can do right. Maybe it is the person who plays the martyr and craves attention.

No matter what the personality of the other person, it is important for you to remember that you are only responsible for yourself, not the other person. Remind yourself to have compassion for those around you.

Whoever you are with this holiday season, be with them fully. Stay focused on your responses to the hard interactions, rather than respond out of jealousy, envy, hatred or greed, respond out of a place of loving and compassion. May this Christmas season be a joyous one for you and yours.

Be blessed as you bless others,

Carol

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

20 Indicators That You Might Have an Anger Problem

The anger management program I run is called the Rage and Anger Neutrulization Training Program (RANT). It is 12 session program where we learn about anger and it’s impact on us as well as ways to handle anger. In this article we will talk about Anger's Red Flags.


The following is a list of 20 indicators that you might have an anger problem

  • You get into fights either physical or verbally
  • You lose your temper often
  • You have gotten fired from your job due to anger
  • You need to explain your aggressive behavior often
  • You go to court for anger related issues
  • You display destructive behavior
  • You engage in physical violence
  • You injure yourself in a moment of anger
  • You display road rage
  • Your conversations frequently turn into heated debates
  • You frequently use profanity when angry
  • You usually see the worst in people
  • You don’t get along with your family
  • You have few close friends
  • You don’t get asked to do things with friends
  • You are excessively competitive in relationships
  • You have a difficulty accepting criticism
  • You have difficulty adapting to change
  • You are a perfectionist
  • You have difficulty acknowledging that viewpoints other than yours are valid


If you have one or two of these, you may not have a serious anger problem. However, if you see a cluster of these in your life it may be time for you to take a proactive approach to your anger. Some suggestions for getting help. Pray. Talk with a friend who does not respond in anger like you do. Seek professional help. Be honest with yourself, if you have an anger problem acknowledge it up front. Stop making excuses for your behavior. To find a therapist in your area, click on this link: Therapist Locator, American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (read the disclaimer and if you agree, click agree and then enter your zip code).

Blessings,

Carol


2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Personal Space

We all have a distance that we feel comfortable with when talking to other people. We usually have a buffer zone around our bodies that we do not allow others to come into without a loud warning bell going off in our heads. We will usually move away to increase the distance between us. We generally not do this with family members and other loved ones. Closeness lends a sense of intimacy that may be too uncomfortable. Americans usually need more space than other cultures.

This buffer are is called personal space, also know as proxemics which was defined by the anthropologist Edward T. Hall. He tells us the categories of distances with which many Americans feel comfortable:

  • 6-18 inches, close space, considered an intimate distance, reserved for significant others
  • 1 1/2 to 2 1/2 feet, personal space, appropriate for close conversation with good friends
  • 3 to 7 feet, close social distance, this is the zone you're most likely to find yourself in while talking with a coworker or boss
  • 12 to 25 feet, close public distance, a good distance for speaking in front of a group

So, if you are talking to someone and you notice them slowly back up, understand that it is their way of widening the buffer between the two of you. It will be important to not try to close the gap. It is also important to avoid physical contact with a person you do not have a relationship with. An exception is a handshake when we meet another person. However the handshake should be brief.

Blessing,
Carol

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Dealing With the Categories of Difficult People

In our last post we discussed the different categories of Difficult People. Today we will discuss how to deal with people in each category. This information is based on R.M. Bramson's work in his book entitled, Coping with Difficult People .

Exploders
Give them time to run down.
Break into their tantrum state.
Show your serious intention.
Interrupt the interaction.

Sherman Tanks
Give them time to run down.
Get into the conversation.
Get their attention.
Get them to sit down.
Speak your own point of view
Avoid a head on fight.
Be ready to be friendly.

Snipers
Surface the attack.
Provide them with an alternative to direct contest.
Get other points of view.
Deal with the problem.

Dealing with Complainers

Listen attentively.
Acknowledge what they're saying.
Don't agree with or apologize.
Avoid the accusation-defense-reaccusation pattern.
State and acknowledge facts.
Try to move to a problem-solving mode.
If all else fails, ask the Complainer: "How do you want this discussion to end?"

Dealing with the Unresponsive
Ask open ended questions.
Wait for a response.
Don't fill the space.
Comment on what's happening.
Help break the tension.
Set time limits.

Dealing with the Super-Agreeables
Make honesty non-threatening.
Be personable when you can.
Don't let them make unrealistic commitments.
Be prepared to compromise and negotiate.
Listen to their humor.

Dealing with the Negativists
State your own realistic optimism.
Don't argue.
Don't rush into proposing solutions.
Ask "So, what's the worst that could happen"?
Determine if there is any truth in the negative comments.
Be prepared to go it alone.

Dealing with Know-it-all Experts
Bulldozers
Know your stuff.
Listen and acknowledge.
Question firmly, don't confront.
Avoid being a counter expert.
Balloons
State the facts as an alternative version.
Give the balloon a way out.
Deal with them when they are alone.

Dealing with an Indecisive
Make it easy for them to be direct.
Pursue signs of indirection.
Consider that it might be you.
Help them to problem solve.
Rank order alternatives.
Give support after the decision has been made.
If possible, keep control.

References:
Advantage Media. (1983). Dealing with the irate customer [Film].
Anderson, K. (1993). Getting what you want. New York: Penguin.
Bramson, R.M. (1981). Coping with difficult people. New York: Dell.
Does your body language spell success? (March, 1990). Mademoiselle, pp. 220-223, 255-257.
Keating, C.J. (1984). Dealing with difficult people. Ramsey, N.J.: Paulist Press.

Blessings,
Carol

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Dealing With Difficult People

When thinking about difficult people it is easy to think in us and them terms...they are difficult, we are not. We are all difficult people at some time and it is important to acknowledge this right from the start. Less than 10% of people in the work place are in the difficult people category. These same people cause as much as 50% or more of the stress, lack of production and demotivation in the work place.

People are not necessarily born to be difficult people, they learn this through trial and error; when a technique works the tendency is for it to be continued. Difficult people use behavioral techniques or skills to control situations. Learning how to cope with difficulty is the key. We can not change the people or their behavior, we can only change our reaction to them.

There are seven types of difficult people according to Robert M. Bramson's Coping with Difficult People (1981, New York: Dell). The first is Hostile/Aggressive, Complainers, Unresponsive, Super-Agreeables, Negativists, Know-it-all-Experts, and Indecisives.

So, which one are you? We all have experienced one or more of these personalities. It’s important to know which category you fit into. If you know how you display your difficulty, you will have less of a tendency to repeat it.

In our next blog we will discuss how to deal with each of these categories of difficulty people. In the mean time, remind yourself that being a difficulty person is a disadvantage to you and those around you. You can make a different choice. I invite you to chose to be a person who does not display those traits.

Blessings,
Carol

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Six Steps to Effective Problem Solving

There are six steps to effective problem solving. The first step is to define the needs. State your need using I messages. Listen to other person’s needs using active listening techniques. Then identify the needs.

The second step is to generate ideas/solutions. Encourage the other person’s contributions. Then give your own solutions. Use brainstorming to generate a good list of solutions.

The third step is to evaluate the solutions. Decide if the solution suggestions are acceptable or not. Always be on the look-out for nonverbal cues.

Step four is to decide on mutually acceptable solution(s). It is always important to restate the needs and solutions decided upon.

Step five is to implement the solutions you decided on. Answering these questions is important: Who - What - When - Where - Where.

Step six is follow-up. Set a time to check how the solution is working. Be willing to adjust the solution or redefine needs if necessary.

The benefits of effective problem solving are numerous. Everyone will have more motivation and self discipline to honor and implement the solution. When people are given a voice in making a decision, they are more motivated to carry it out than if a decision is imposed on them.

Power plays no part in the effective problem solving. It calls for "What is the best solution?" as opposed to "Who has the most power?" The effective problem solving method honors each person's right to have freedom.

Remember the 20% -- 80% Philosophy. It states that we often spend 80% of our time and energy focusing on the 20% of any situation that seems negative to us. We then lose sight of the 80% that is positive. Stay focused on the full 100% and you will become an efficient problem solver.

Blessings,
Carol A. Deel

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Depression Continued

There is not a single description for Bi-Polar Disorder. For instance, the term Bi-Polar, Mixed Episode would indicate that the person was experiencing both Major Depression and Manic Episode(s).

A Manic Episode including at least 3 of these or 4 if there is irritabity:

  • Inflated self esteem or grandiosity
  • Decreased need for sleep
  • pressure of speech
  • Flight of ideas
  • Distractability
  • Increased involvement in goal directed activities
  • Psychomotor agitation
  • Excessive involvement in pleasurable activities with a high potential for painful consequences

Bi-Polar I would include one or more manic episodes, including abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive or irritable mood that has last at least a week. Bi-Polar II would include one or more Major Depressive Episodes. Cyclothymic Disorder would be defined as numerous periods with hypomanic symptoms and numerous periods with depressive symptoms.


Another category is Mood Disorder due to a General Medical Condition. The DSM-IV defines that as "Prominent and persistent disturbance in mood that is judged to be due to the direct physiological effects of a general medical condition."


Substance Induced Mood Disorder would be prominent and persistent disturbance in mood that is judged to be due to the direct psychological effects of a substance.


The following is not meant as medical advice, please use for information purposes only.


Drugs and psychotherapy together is considered more effective than either alone in the treatment of depression. There are different classes of medication. One class is called Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI). They have fewer side effects and are usually short lived. Examples of SSRI’s that seem popular are Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, and Celexa.


Another class of drugs are Tricyclic antidepressants, they have been used since the 1960's. Some examples of those are Tofranil and Elavil.
There are some natural herbs and naturally occurring chemicals that are used to treat depression. Some examples are Sam-e which is used for more severe depression, St. John’s Wart, used for milder forms of depression, Kava Kava, used for reducing anxiety, B-6 which is found in whole grains, nuts, fish and white meat.


Some people are opposed to the use of medication, believing that a person can be healed without the use of drugs. I believe that the Lord can use medication to assist a person’s healing. Medication can be seen as a bridge to help a person get from where they are to a different place mentally. People with mild depression do not have to be on medication their whole life.


Some people use exercise as a way to combat depression. Research has found that people who walk, run or strength train three times per week 20 to 60 minutes were significantly less depressed after five weeks. They found that if they continued the exercise the improvement lasted up to one year. Researchers say that exercise is a viable treatment option for mild to moderate depression, they believe that it has to do with activating the endorphins which are the bodies natural painkiller.


Another way to combat depression appears to be connected with having someone who shows interest in you. In a study in London they paired women with "befrienders." The befrienders were instructed to be confidants to the depressed women, meeting them regularly for chats over coffee or outings. Among the women who saw their volunteer friends regularly throughout the year; 72% experienced a remission in depression compared to the control group which is aout the same success rate as antidepressants or cognitive (talk therapy).


Some do’s and don’ts: Don’t isolate yourself, don’t make major life decisions when depressed, exercise at least three days a week, eat balanced meals and healthy food, don’t blame yourself for your depression, take your medication, set small goals for yourself, get information about depression, call your doctor.

Blessings,

Carol

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Depression

Dealing with Depression

Winston Churchill once described depression as a "black dog that comes around periodically, leaving a trail of gloom in its wake." He suffered from depression most of his life.

Depression is a disorder in areas of the brain that process thoughts and feelings. It is associated with a lack or imbalance of serotonin, a chemical found in the brain.

Depression is known as the common cold of mental illness. Understandable sadness due to death or separation is different than depression. Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is not a condition changed just because someone wishes it would go away. People with depression cannot "pull themselves up by their bootstraps" and get better. Without treatment, depression can last for weeks or in some cases, years.

There are different kinds of depression. One kind is called Major Depression. It is two times as common in adolescents and adult females as in adolescent and adult males. Depression can begin at any age, average age is the mid 20's. It is 1.5-3 times more common among first degree biological relatives than the general population.

The second kind of depression is called Dysthymic Disorder. It is described as chronically depressed mood that occurs for most of the day more days than not for at least two years. A person suffering from this will describe their mood as sad or down in the dumps. In children it can show up as irritability for a period of one year. At least 2 of the following symptoms will be evident:
  • Depressed mood/feeling of sadness
  • Loss of interest plus any 4 of the following
  • Poor appetite or overeating - change in weight
  • Restlessness or decreased activity
  • Insomnia or hypersomnia
  • Low energy or fatigue
  • Low self esteem
  • Poor concentration
  • Difficulty making decisions
  • Feeling of hopelessness
  • Guilt/worthlessness
  • Suicidal ideations
  • Low/lack of interest

In my next edition, I will be talking about Bi-Polar Disorders and other kinds of depression. Additionally, I will be talking about ways to handle depression from medication to herbal remedies.


Blessing,
Carol A. Deel

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copywrite owner.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Self Esteem

The definition of Self Esteem is a three part process. The first is the way we see ourselves, such as attractive versus ugly; athletic versus klutzy; smart versus dumb; spiritual versus non-spiritual; emotionally sound versus depressed; in the right click/group versus being in the wrong click. The second part is the way we think others see us and the third is the way we think God sees us, such as in His will versus out of His will, in the right group versus not in the right group, obedient versus sinful.

So, is self esteem good or bad? The Bible says that you should esteem others above yourselves. Scriptures such as: Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard (esteem) one another as more important then himself (Philippians 2:3).

Is it important to like yourself? What does the Bible say about you?
• You are a child of a King (Rm.8:16)
• I am beloved of God, called to be a saint (Rm. 1:7)
• I have been make righteous through the obedience of Christ (Rm. 5:19)
• I am loved by Jesus (John 15:9)
• I belong to God (Jn. 17:9 & 1Jn 4:10, 19)
• I have the mind of Christ (I Cor. 2:16)
• I am loved by God (Eph. 2:4)
It is important to take care of yourself
• In Christ I have been make complete (Col 2:10)
• I have put on the new self (Col 3:10)
• I have been called to eternal life (ITim 6:12)

There are some hard results of having a low self esteem. Low self esteem paralyzes your potential. Low self esteem destroys your dreams. Low self esteem ruins your relationships. The nagging sense of inferiority and inadequacy isolates you. The most common way to cope with feelings of inferiority is to pull within yourself, to have little contact with others and to build walls around you.

Low self esteem also sabotages our Christian service. We refuse to do things because we are afraid of making mistakes or making a fool of ourselves. Low self esteem robs God of an opportunity to show off His power and ability through our weakness.

Let’s look at some Bible characters and their self esteem. Adam, before the fall definitely had self esteem, he walked and talked with God. But after the fall he was afraid (Gen 3:7).

Abraham, saw himself as a person of worth-even though he messed up at times. Like the time he said that Sarah was his sister because he was afraid (Gen 12:13, 20:2). Abraham was willing to offer his only son because God asked (Gen 22). Consider Moses, when God first called him to free the Israelites, he kept making excuses for not going (Ex.3-4). Four times he said "But Lord . . ." then the Lord's anger was kindled against him and He said " Is there not Aaron your brother...I know he can speak well"(Ex 4:14). After that, Moses pleaded the case of his fellow countrymen, even though they were weak he saw God face to face and talked with Him.

Jonah, God called him to go to Nineveh, but he rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the Lord. Then during the storm he was thrown into the sea and the "great fish" swallowed him up. He went to Tarshish and preached repentance and the city repented. He was displeased and was angry because God chose to save the city (Book of Jonah). He wanted to die, he asked God two times to take his life (Jonah 4:3 & 4:8). God gave him the true life story of the plant and the worm who ate it (Jonah 4:6-7). God's lesson was that Jonah did not work to have the vine grow and give him shade, it grew overnight and died overnight and he was concerned over it, but not Nineveh. God wanted to show Jonah that He cared about the people of Nineveh.

Peter was always ready to step out even if it was to stumble. At the Transfiguration he was the one who wanted to make booths for Moses, Elijah and Jesus (Matt 17:4). At the Last Supper when Jesus was washing the apostle’s feet, he said "Lord do you wash my feet?...You shall never wash my feet" Jesus told him "If I do not wash you, you have no part of me" Then Peter said "Lord not my feet only, but also my hands and my head" (Jn. 13:6-9). Peter walked on water (Matt 14:28-30). He was humbled after Jesus rose from the dead, they were on the beach. Jesus asked him "Peter do you love (agape) me" he answered "yes, I love (philos) you" two times then Jesus said "Do you love (philos) me" He was grieved because he asked him the third time do you love (philos) me (Jn. 21). He was victorious after he was baptized in the Holy Spirit, he preached a sermon which converted 3,000 people (Acts 2).

Paul, when he was Saul and persecuted the early Christians, he had a high sense of self. Then Jesus convicted him of sin on the road to Damascus (Acts 9:3-9). He began to realize that he could do nothing aside from Christ Jesus. He said, “It is not I but Christ who lives within me.” He can do all things through Christ who strengthen him (Ph. 4:13). God will supply all his needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus (Ph. 4:19).

Jesus, held others in esteem. He said "I am the resurrection and the life, he who believes in me, though he die yet shall he live and whoever lives and believes in me shall never die" (Jn. 11:25-6). My food and drink is to do the will of Him who sent me, and to accomplish His work (Jn. 4:34). I am the good shepherd; I know my own and my own know me (Jn. 10:14).
I am the way the truth and the life; no one comes to the Father but by me (Jn. 14:6). Take my yoke upon you and learn of me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light (Mt. 11:29-30).

Self esteem is not a bad thing unless it turns to pride. It is important for us to feel empowered in order to be of service to the Lord and His work.

Blessings,
Carol

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Communicaton Style

What are some things that influence our communication style? One of the most important influences is our cultural background. I remember one time when I was visiting a friend from high school and when we walked into her house there were loud voices coming from the back of the house. I said to my friend, "Should we leave?" She looked at me puzzled and said, "Why?" I replied, "Because it sounds like your parents are having a fight." Her response surprised me, she said, "Oh, they’re not fighting, they are just talking." The tone of their voices definitely sounded like an argument. My friend is Italian and I still know her parents today and they still talk to each other in that same way.

Other cultural differences include, various signs of disrespect. In Asian cultures it is believed that looking someone in the eye is a form of disrespect. In Polynesian culture feet pointed directly at a person is a sign of disrespect. In Muslim countries pointing the bottom of your shoe at a person is a sign of disrespect.

Another influence of our communication style is who we are with at the time. We communicate differently with our friends then we do when we are meeting with our boss or when we are talking to our doctor. Our emotions at the time may also influence our communication style.

It is said that 90 percent of all communication is done nonverbally; words comprise of only 10 percent, sounds 30 percent and body language 60 percent. Learning about body language is valuable to interpret unspoken communication. In American culture eye contact is the single most important clue to a person's attitude. Looking someone in the eye conveys power, security, respect and thoughtfulness.

A smile, when used judiciously can also be a powerful tool. Of course there are negative uses of a smile such as a smirk or the Cheshire cat smile.

Hand gestures can be important if not too sweeping. If someone is waving their hands wildly, it can be interpreted as a lack of confidence in what they are saying.

Sitting-position also gives clues to how we are doing. Sitting squarely in your chair, feet on the floor, arms on the arm rest, will make you look as though you belong exactly where you are. Our posture also reveals what may be going on with us. Slouching or hunching is a warning signal. It’s a manifestation of tension and discomfort. Poor posture can signal indifference.

Our walking style reveals a great deal about us as well. When a person walks with confidence, they are seen as confident. Compare walking with confidence to strutting or walking hunched over, looking down and walking slowly. We usually interpret each of those styles differently.

Our facial expressions like rolling our eyes, knitting our brows, pursing our lips all say something about our attitude. So, being aware of our body language is important. We reveal so much more with how we hold ourselves, than what we say. Keeping that in mind will be helpful to you as you go about your life.

Blessings,
Carol

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Encouragement

Encouragement means to give courage, hope or confidence. It is the process whereby a person focuses on the other person’s resources in order to build that person's, self esteem, self confidence or feelings of worth. Encouragers approach people expecting the best and therefore usually get the best. Encouragement helps people believe in their abilities and increases their confidence.

Think for a moment when you were a child and you accomplished a certain goal, remember the feelings of satisfaction? Who was the first person you wanted to tell about your success? Why did you choose that person? Think of a time you had a problem and needed to talk to someone? Who was that person? Why did you choose that them? Chances are that person was an encourager to you.

Let’s talk about factors that block encouragement. Our own lack of self-confidence is one thing, pessimism which limits our ability to increase our sense of strength and worth, our own background and upbringing are other factors that block encouragement. Other things include our values, jealousy of others, fear and our own inconsistences.

There is a difference between encouragement and praise. Both focus on positive behavior. Praise is a reward based on achievement. It is external. It can be a method of control to get others to do your will.

Encouragement on the other hand focuses on effort, improvement and the individual's resources and assets, it looks for and accentuates the positive.

Sometimes we need to be our own encourager. It’s important to validate and to care for ourselves. Stay away from negative self talk and try to be more self accepting. It’s important to learn to forgive yourself.
There are two major ways in which we establish worth and value. Feedback we receive from others comes from praise, recognition, salary or income, house, car, status, religiosity. These are temporal if we lose those things we may begin to feel a lack of self worth.

We do not need to set competitive standards or comparisons to others. If we are functioning in a way we are satisfied with, comparisons become irrelevant. We are able to focus on our own efforts, contributions and assets and we, as a result have a wider perspective on life.

Be an encourager and find those who need encouragement. You will feel better about yourself if you do and other will feel good about themselves.

1 Thess 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing
2 Tim 4:2 Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage with great patience and careful instruction
Heb 3:13 But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness


Blessing,
Carol

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

The Emotion of Anger

Anger is one of the most common emotions we face and it is also the most misunderstood emotion. You see, feeling anger is okay. There are good reasons to feel angry, injustice, a setback, a tragedy. The problem most of the time is our response to anger. When you react to more and more situations with anger, it becomes a habit. Anger is like a wounded animal, it attacks anything that moves, however, the attacks do nothing to ease the pain.

Anger depersonalizes individual and events into a faceless, nameless, "them." People who are chronically angry see a personal attack in every disagreement. The person feels threatened when there is no threat and it causes the person to counter attack even a minor threat.

Angry people feel like they are always under attack and that everyone is out to get them and nobody understands them. Anger is energy. It can be used constructively or destructively. The Civil Rights Movement and Apartheid are examples of the use of anger constructively. Destructive uses of anger include things like destroying property, harming other people, setting up circumstances where others respond by feeling bad and wrong.

If you were to look up anger in the dictionary you would find these words, wrath, to distress, vex, hurt, enrage, to irritate or inflame, hostile feelings because of opposition and frustration. For rage we would find, violent anger, fury, extreme violence, intensity.

It is important for us to get a handle on our anger. We need to be in control of anger, not the reverse. If you want to learn more about your anger, consider signing up for an anger management program. To find out about the topics we cover in our program, click on http://caroladeel.com/rant.html.

Blessings,
Carol

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Forgiveness the 490 Principle

Forgiveness is a very important principle for all of us. Many times we feel that we are justified in our unforgiveness. However, unforgiveness is about us, we are the ones that are holding the unforgiveness.

When Peter came to Jesus and asked Him how many times he should forgive his brother, and Peter offered "7 times?"

Jesus said to Peter, "No, not 7 times, but 70 times 7 times.I believe that Jesus was reminding Peter that short of brain damage, we are not going to forget something. Jesus was talking about the process of forgiveness. The way I encourge people to deal with unforgiveness is to remember this short saying: "The moment you relive, is the the one you forgive."

So, this is the process of forgiveness: As you remember a wrong done to you, stop and say, "Lord I forgive _______ for the wrong that they did to me, I choose to forgive them." Now, that is forgiveness number 1. Let's say that 10 minutes later you hear a song on the radio or read something in a magazine and it reminds you of the person who 10 minutes ago you forgave. Well let's say that your upset/hurt/anger is back again. This is your next opportunity to forgive. You would repeat the pray, "Lord I forgive ______ for the wrong that they did to me, I choose to forgive them."

You would repeat that process every time the memory returned. Eventually, you will begin to notice that you are praying the prayer less and less until one day you realize that you have not thought of that wrong done to you in days or even weeks. Try this simple way of approaching forgiveness. I am sure that you will find healing in this process.

Blessings to you!
Carol

2006 Copyright by Carol A. Deel, MS, LCPC, LCMFT, All Rights Reserved. No part of this may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Blogging

According to Wikipedia, the term "blog" is a contraction of "Web log." "Blog" can also be used as a verb, meaning to maintain or add content to a blog.

So, here I am blogging to you, my readers. I hope all is well for you and that you are experiencing joy like a fountain.

I will post information here that may be of interest to you, feel free to drop me a line. Let me know what you think about what is being said and not said.

You can check out my website at http://caroladeel.com. You will find information about my therapy practice. You will also find out about the e-book I have written called the Safety Club. Check back periodically and see what's up.

Blessings,

Carol